For about a month I have been miserable in some form or fashion. About two weeks ago the pain started and hasn’t stopped other than a brief respite for three days when the steroids were at their highest dose.
How do I feel? I feel as though every joint in my body is enclosed with crushed glass and throbbing. I feel like iron rods are being forced through the marrow of my arms and legs. That my spine is in a vice. That the bones in my face are rusted together. I am burning hot.
I am scared. My blood work is a wreck and now I have to see a specialist. I have no way of paying for a specialist. I don’t know what I am going to do. Everything has gone haywire again. How wonderful it must be to count on your body. I vaguely remember the confidence of invincibility.
I had just started what I thought was (and still hope will be) going to be a new beginning. I am in school for something I enjoy, with people I adore, at a school I think is great. It is a community of people with big hearts and boundless creativity and I feel at home there and that I have a talent and a passion for and yet I feel the threat of watching it, like so many other things in the last five years, go away.
I know that it will be as it will be.
I think it will all be fine.
Like all bumpy patches this one too will end.
I hope well.